7 Steps to Finding Support During Recovery
By Kelsey Mudge, LMFT
“The need for connection and community is primal, as fundamental as the need for air, water, and food” Dean Ornish
Introduction
There is an innate, human desire for connection. We were once young babies in the world, and we not only desired the food our parent provided, but also emotional connection and comfort. As infants, we desired to feel safe. Some of us have had positive experiences with connecting with others: we’ve felt loved, cared for, cherished. There are others of us who have difficulty thinking of a positive relationships in our life. Our perspective on human connection can get transformed or distorted by negative experiences. For many people in recovery, it’s difficult to maintain connection, or honestly, even want to want connection. Still, we have a desire to connect to something or someone, whether we want to admit it or not.
Having a healthy, positive support system in recovery is vital; not only to fulfill our human desire for belonging, but also to have accountability. Accountability can have many meanings, but in this context, accountability means having people to talk to in order to help us stay true to our values. It is important to have people in our lives to remind us of what is important. We are forgetful creatures, and sometimes we forget our “why” or our purpose. When we have people in or lives to point us on the right path, we can head towards a more fulfilling and satisfying life. So how does one go about finding a support system?
Here are 7 steps to finding help and connection during recovery:
Acknowledge the importance of support
As mentioned above, there are several reasons why having supports are important. Therefore, you need to identify why it’s important to you. Is it important due to connection, accountability, or something else?
It is also important to identify the seriousness of support. When it comes to the gravity of an addiction, having a support system can be a life or death type of situation. It is necessary to have people in our lives to see us in the worst of times, the best of times, and the in between.
Start with what you have
If it’s difficult and overwhelming to branch out, reconnect with people that you already know. This may include family members, past classmates, 12-step members, co-workers, mentors, teammates, etc.
You will also want to discern if these people are helpful or unhelpful individuals in your life. Pick people that are supportive in your recovery and respect your boundaries.
Develop relationship and communication skills
Once you have been able to identify your current supportive people, continue to develop your relationship with them. This will also likely require learning and implementing new communication skills in order to develop healthier relationships.
This could look like implementing assertive communication, finding ways to manage anger, and learning how to set boundaries.
Talking to a therapist, counselor, or mentor about these communication skills can be very beneficial as you continue to grow in your relationships.
Identify a variety of supports and resources
If you are having difficulty thinking about current supportive people in your life, then start with identifying support groups and opportunities. Additionally, if you already have a support network, finding new supports can be a great way to expand your network of supports.
It’s important to have different types of supports for different type of issues and challenges that could come up. Plus, only having one or two supports is a lot of pressure on those individuals. If you have more people in your network, you will likely be able to get support when you need it, rather than depending on one person to answer the phone when they are not available.
Here are some ideas of different types of support: therapy, psychiatry, primary care physician, sports teams, hobby groups (art, music, knitting), friends who enjoy sober activities, friends who are good listeners, 12-step support groups, other support groups, and church groups.
Go to new groups and activities
Now that you know what types of supports and resources you are interested in, you can put your plan into action. Here are some tips for making your plan:
Realistic goal- Make sure that your plan is realistic. For example, if you want to join a AA meeting on Thursday at 5pm, but you get off work at 4:30pm and the meeting is an hour away… it will not realistically work with your current schedule. Maybe a more realistic goal for this situation would be to join an on-line meeting during that time.
Take a friend- If you are feeling intimidated or nervous about going to a new place with new people, bringing a friend with you may be a good option to help ease some of the nerves.
Stay for an hour (or a portion of the time)- Whenever I go somewhere new that I am feeling anxious about, I try to give myself an hour (or at least a portion of the time) to get adjusted. If you’re going to a 3-hour event, maybe only going for 30 minutes is going to be the best start for you.
Positive thinking- it can be easy to fall into negative thinking like “no one will like me” or “I’m too weird”. I encourage you to provide some affirmations to yourself as you are heading over to this new experience.
Coping with anxiety- make sure that when you experience nervousness, you have a plan to manage it, like deep breathing or taking a bathroom break.
Mutual interests- when meeting with new people, it can be helpful to find some mutual interests to discuss. It can be awkward meeting new people, but having a hobby, sport, or movie to talk about can help move the conversation forward and help you get to know a person better.
Continue building relationships through mutual interests
You will likely find people that you connect more with than others. For those you connect with, find ways to continue to connect. An example of this is going surfing or bowling. Doing a mutual interest can help ease the pressure of communication. Once you develop trust and familiarity, it will be easier to have deeper and meaningful conversations.
Also, keep in mind that you will have different relationships with the different supports you have. Maybe one group of friends is great to go hiking with, while another friend is great to talk with about current challenges.
Maintain healthy supports
Now that you’ve initiated and developed supports, you can work on maintaining these healthy supports. This will mean continuing to connect with these positive supports even when challenges occur. This does not mean to stay in an unhealthy relationship, rather it means when there is a minor disagreement, you can navigate the challenge without running away from the relationship. It can be a challenge to maintain relationships, but it is worthwhile. It will take time, energy, and patience, but remember the value of having this support system. You deserve to have people in your life that are going to lift you up and help you be the best version of your self :)
Ready to Strengthen Your Support System?
If you're in recovery and looking to build healthier, more meaningful connections—or simply don’t know where to start—you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can be a safe, supportive space to explore the challenges of connection, rebuild trust in yourself and others, and develop the skills needed to create lasting, positive relationships.
Whether you’re navigating early recovery, feeling isolated in your journey, or just looking for guidance in building your support system, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.
Let’s work together to help you create the connection and community you deserve.
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